I watched “First Reformed” last evening, the 2017 film written and directed by Paul Schrader.  Actually I only watched about an hour of the movie, then turned it off and returned it to its Netflix envelope. So I don’t know what becomes of Rev. Toller or what transpires at the celebration of the 250th anniversary of First Reformed, but I can guess.

I turned it off because the film disturbed me, and not in a good way. I like movies that disturb me, in a good way, movies that provoke a struggle of thought and emotion, movies that challenge or reframe my way of thinking about the world and myself.

I was eager to see “First Reformed” because I expected it to be that kind of movie. I expected to see a nuanced portrait of a minister in crisis, struggling with the relevance and efficacy and authenticity of the faith, of the God, to which and to whom he was called to witness.

But there was no nuance here, no faith, and no God. Rev. Toller is an empty man, empty of any meaningful relationships, empty of meaning in his ministry, and empty of faith. He does not pray, but journals, substituting that as a kind of prayer, since he cannot pray. But his journaling is narrow in scope, little more than a diary, focussed entirely on himself. He does not invite God in or open his life up for examination as another soul searching for the place of God in this world did: “Examine me, O God, and know my mind; test me, and discover my thoughts. Find out if there is any evil in me and guide me in the everlasting way.”

But what disturbed me most about the film, as a minister, was its caricatured portrayal of ministry. At every point, the possibility of the presence of authentic faith, of genuine seeking after God, was undercut. The teenaged singer rehearsing a praise song with the Abundant Life choir tries to “feel up” the girl standing in front of him. The female director has slept with Rev. Toller and now is crazy to have him. The pastor of the “big box” Abundant Life church jokes that Martin Luther wrote “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God” while pooping. And his televised devotional is canned, cliched, overproduced.

Ministry itself is assumed to be inauthentic, self-serving, a sham, a scam. Nobody really believes in what they are doing. That is not to say that much of what pretends to be ministry today is not inauthentic, self-serving, a sham, a scam, because much is. But it can only be shown as such in contrast to a kind of ministry that is authentic, humble, sincere in its desire to help and to serve … and to be faithful and accountable to God.

But here there is no contrast.  Ministry itself is no more than showmanship and the church either a soundstage (Abundant Life) or a museum (First Reformed). And the only way to find meaning is to escape (or destroy) the church and to abandon even any attempt at faith.

I can imagine a film beginning in the same place with the same people in the same circumstances as this film and telling an entirely different story.  I wish “First Reformed” had been that film …