Testing limits

Testing limits

The idea came from my brother. I thought I might do it with him someday, but someday never came. Nor was I able to find another interested paddling partner. So on a cool and misty July morning, three months after my sixtieth birthday, I climbed into the cockpit of my seventeen-foot Perception Eclipse at the bottom of the boat ramp in South Blue Hill and set out for the southern tip of Long Island, alone.

It was a route I had never paddled before, but it would take me up through Bartlett Narrows where I had paddled before, a quarter-mile wide passage between Mount Desert and Bartlett Island where the wind always blows strong and seal sightings are plentiful. I reached the Narrows after rounding the foot of Long Island and making the long open water crossing across Blue Hill Bay north of Harwood Island, passing Dogfish Cove on my left on the southern end of Bartlett Island where Lynne and I always stop when we do a circumnavigation of Bartlett. We time it to reach Dogfish Cove close to low tide so I may go diving in the cold waters of the cove for sand dollars.

I have timed the tides for this trip, too. After reaching the northern end of Bartlett Narrows, I will paddle some six miles across the northeastern arm of Blue Hill Bay into Mount Desert Narrows where I will cross under the Route 3 bridge between Trenton and MDI. Unless I want to wade through mudflats dragging my kayak behind, I need to be under the bridge at high tide.

My timing proved good. I paddled under the bridge and took out at the Thompson Island picnic area. I had come fifteen miles and four hours since leaving the South Blue Hill boat ramp and this was my first stop. I stretched my legs and enjoyed lunch, but was soon eager to get back into my kayak and complete the expedition.

I navigated my way around Thomas Island and the Twinnies before rounding Hadley Point and passing by a young girl and her father enjoying the waters off Hadley Point Beach. Another two and a half miles of paddling brought me to one of the highlights of this quest, The Ovens, a series of sea caves carved into the gabbro cliffs of the island’s northern shores. I did not take many photos along the way, only forty-one shots in total, not wanting to break the steady rhythm of paddle strokes, but here I paused long enough to capture more than a dozen images with my waterproof camera.

Soon I rounded the point and headed south past Hulls Cove. This was an area I knew well from many trips to Acadia National Park and Bar Harbor, though not from this perspective. And this proved to be the toughest segment of the entire expedition, not merely because I had already paddled twenty-two miles, but because I suddenly faced a strong headwind fighting me all the rest of the way to Bar Harbor.

Stroke, stroke., stroke, stroke. Keep up the rhythm. Slowly, but surely, making progress. I reached Bar Island, but the tide was now low enough that the bar was exposed and I could not paddle straight into the harbor. Instead, I had to make one more circuit around the north side of Bar Island before heading into the harbor and making landfall on the pebbled beach, where my wife, Lynne, awaited me.

I made it. I had tested my limits, checked off an item on my bucket list, and made it: seven hours, twenty-six some miles, the glorious wonders of sea and shoreline, a body feeling tired but satisfyingly strong too.

I would make this trip again, this time in my new Current Designs Caribou, and later I would complete a circumnavigation of Deer Isle, at twenty-eight miles the longest day trip I have done. But that day thirteen years ago was the first time, my first attempt at something I had never done before, while still uncertain whether I could actually do it or not. It is an accomplishment in which I take pride, but more so an experience I cherish simply for the doing, simply for those hours of being there, my boat and me and the extraordinary world round me, just the kind of moment I treasure, just the kind of moment in which I feel most me.

All is vanity

All is vanity

sanguine brambles litter spiny mollusks
sleeping placidly amidst serendipitous legumes
while intrepid vagaries linger in the wings

tomfoolery you say
naught but vanity
open the windows
and let out the air

throbbing alleles erupt in fiery ellipses
spewing intangible adjectives into the ether
ignorant of the salutary quislings on either side

naught but vanity
open the windows
and let out the fools
whatever you say

torpid seals frolic in the languid mist
multi-layered appendages notwithstanding
surreptitiously amending doomed constabularies

open the windows
fool the air
let out the vanity
so naught remains

fragrant hillsides dance with crepuscular magpies
as diaphanous curtains of silvery dewfall
glitter in the ebullient moonlight

let out the air
tomfoolery is naught
open the windows
all is vanity

enough?

enough?

enough?

it is a strange word
rhyming with rough and tough
but also with snuff and powder puff
though not with cough and, for that matter, not with though
even though spelled in like fashion

and it is a strange notion
presuming some kind of measure
some kind of standard
against which effort, achievement, satisfaction, merit
are summarily judged

but who says enough is enough?
some blue ribbon international commission
setting benchmarks for what is too little and what is too much?
or is its definition merely subjective
meaning enough is whatever I say is enough?

but that is a rabbit hole
which to enter leads only to discontent and self-doubt
because enough today may not be enough tomorrow
which means that tomorrow I may well question
whether today was indeed enough

and to say enough
is to draw an end to desire and curiosity
to make premature end to the adventure that is this life
which must always reinvent and reinvest itself day by day
lest it die, or short of death, atrophy

no, better to dispense altogether
with the futile notion of enough
better to strive and seek and yearn and reach
pouring all out in order to take all in
being filled with the wonders and charms and joys of each new day

enough?
no, it is never enough!

the bell

the bell

ngggggggggggggggggggggggggg …

unstruck
of its own accord
the bell sings

ngggggggggggggggggggggggggg …

unseen
felt before heard
the bell sings

ngggggggggggggggggggggggggg …

from far beyond the limits of perception
from far beyond the edges of memory
from far beyond the grasp of understanding
the bell sings
its music without discernible rhythm or melody
rhyming instead
with the echo of a passing star
with the flutter of a hummingbird’s wings
with the sound of a windswept fir’s roots embracing a granite outcropping

ngggggggggggggggggggggggggg …

I hear it
I hear it
a song all its own
but holding within it other songs too
the song of the earth spinning on its axis
the song of Kilauea belching out its fire and ash
the song of thunder and lightning, of wave and wind, of laughter and weeping
the song of breathing and the song of dying
I hear it
and its music fills me
or perhaps it is that I fill it
my heartbeat attuned to its vibrations
my spirit subsumed into its song
the song without beginning and without end
the song that brings worlds into being
the song that silences the proud and sets the humble to dancing
the song that is

ngggggggggggggggggggggggggg …

never to be silenced
now and forever
the bell sings

7, 23, 37

7, 23, 37

For our prompt yesterday morning at the regular gathering of the Deer Isle Writers Group was to write a piece using three arbitrarily assigned numbers. The numbers I was given were 7 and 23 and 37. Here is my piece …

It has been eighty-nine years, every one of which I count as untold blessing, since that unspeakable season of impenetrable darkness and unrelenting dread, the winter of ’37. It was not the snows. Yes, we had bad storms that lasted for days and severe blizzards that dumped feet of heavy wet snow, so that we had to crawl out the windows to get outside, the doors pinned shut by ponderous drifts. We always had snow. We were used to it. And, as a boy of seven, the more than head high piles of snow were my playground, my imaginary Everests, the setting for many an intrepid ascent by this would be mountaineer.

No, it was not the snows. It was the ice, the rock hard ice that covered everything after days of thaw and then refreezing. Thick ice, cold and bitter, inches of ice coating snow and road, trees and house. all the more when the freezing rains came, days and days and days of freezing rain, the days just warm enough to leave it rain, but the nights quickly congealing it, bowing and breaking the slender birches, bringing even large limbs of the oaks crashing to the ground, rendering movement outside all but impossible, for us, our family trapped inside the house and for the pitiful deer we spied through ice-glazed windows, slipping and sliding and falling, on their futile quest to find any exposed vegetation.

It was the ice, the ice that rendered the outside world inert and unforgiving, and the ice that hardened human souls, rendering them too callous and cold and unforgiving. It was an ill wind blowing through the streets of Weimar, bearing rumors of a camp being built on Ettersburg Hill, only an hour’s walk from our front door, a camp called Buchenwald where, we would later learn, hundreds of thousands of Jews and gypsies and other “undesirables” were imprisoned, where tens of thousands of these human beings, these children of God, died.

We did not know that then, but we knew of the movement birthed out of post-war turmoil and a disastrous economy, a revolutionary movement momentarily derailed after the failed Beer Hall Putsch of ’23, but now gaining momentum, inexorable, inexplicable, utterly frightening momentum — friends, neighbors, church members channeling pain into anger, suffering into disdain, making of blameless women and men and children a suitable scapegoat for their own feelings of loss and helplessness and despair.

It has been eighty-nine years since that dreadful winter, the winter that birthed an unrecognizable spring, and years of unspeakable horrors, but it is over. It is long over. The madness did not prevail. But its seeds, its icy and cold-blooded seeds, remain, and even now take root in the hearts of once well-meaning people, once more stifling compassion and killing mercy, as unease and dissatisfaction are wielded as weapons in a senseless war against innocents. May God have mercy on us and may this winter too pass.

September 13, 1971

September 13, 1971

September 13, 1971
Three and a half hour drive
Father, mother, me
Park on College Street
Bustling with cars and people
Forty-somethings and eighteen-year-olds
Suitcases and backpacks and boxes

Formidable Gothic facade
Stone edifice framing Old Campus
Pass through iron gate
Father, mother, me
Sprawling courtyard
Intimate, august, intimidating
Cloistered quadrangle set apart

Walk to northwest corner
Father, mother, me
Granite steps front Wright Hall
Soulless red stone towers above
Three flights of stairs, cold and dark
Middle floor of five
Bare door 323

Inside stark empty colorless
No furniture save rude bunks plain desks
Just me two suitcases and a backpack
Quick goodbyes, too brief hugs
Then no father no mother
Just me in a place very much not home
Now what?

Hanging Wallpaper

Hanging Wallpaper

Lynne and I cannot hang wallpaper together. No worries, of course, because who hangs wallpaper any more? But if we were to, we wouldn’t.

One of would want to get the job done and then move on to the next thing, satisfied with checking another item off the to-do list. The other of us would be checking and rechecking, placing the four-foot level against the wall as each sheet was unfolded and eased into place, making sure the seam was still perfectly plumb, running the wooden roller over the seam again and again and again, until the edges of the adjoining sheets were determined to be perfectly flat and perfectly abutted, no hint of bare wall between and not the slightest overlap, sweeping brush and sponge over the face of the sheets smoothing out each and every bubble, taking tile knife and straightedge to cut top and bottom perfectly flush to ceiling and baseboard (unless of course the baseboard had first been carefully removed so as to run the wallpaper behind before carefully replacing the baseboard and happily avoiding any bottom edge at all which could curl or not precisely match the top edge of the baseboard, a step — that is first removing the baseboard — one of us would consider to be wholly unnecessary and a waste of time), and then, finally, after completing all the tasks for that one sheet, the other of us would stand back, not admiring, but inspecting, and if everything were not just so, would go back to that one sheet, pushing and pulling, rolling and adjusting, standing back and inspecting, until that one sheet were just so, or failing that, would rip down that one sheet and start over with a new piece.

Lynne and I cannot hang wallpaper together, and, God be thanked, it has been thirty years since we would have ever dreamed of doing so.

Emptiness

Emptiness

Clay is used to make a pot
But it is the empty space within that makes it useful as a container
(From Tao Te Ching, Chapter 11)

And yet the empty space becomes useful only as it is constrained by the shape of the pot. The emptiness by itself cannot hold water or carrot soup or haddock chowder. It must be transmuted into a certain kind of emptiness, an emptiness that is no longer amorphous but defined, delimited, made purposeful. And the defining, delimiting, purpose-making, though accomplished by the pot, is not of the pot’s intention. The pot is the means by which an artisan transforms the emptiness and infuses it with usefulness.

Artisans employ imagination to transform emptiness. The imagination of a homebuilder fashions of emptiness a warm and congenial and inviting space to which to retreat. The imagination of a poet transfigures emptiness into the freighted silences between the words. The imagination of a peacemaker makes of emptiness, not an uneasy and anxious hiatus, but a contented and hopeful quietude.

Emptiness is the raw material, as it were, out of which artisans create not only usefulness, but beauty. The emptiness within any pot can hold water or carrot soup or haddock chowder, but that emptiness becomes all the more precious and the experience of the emptiness serving its purpose all the more satisfying when the pot is shaped with an artful or whimsical or exuberant eye. The silences between and among any string of words may be freighted, but the freight may be dull and uninspiring, or it may be enthralling and exhilarating, depending on the skill and imagination of the poet.

Out of emptiness emerges all that we may find gratifying and delightful and sacred in this life, when it is laid in the hands of a viruoso artisan.